People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.
– H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Often times when concerned parents bring their teenager in for counseling they can easily recite the long list of what is “wrong” with their child. They can also give me a list of the qualities their child used to exhibit that seem to have diminished or disappeared all together. It seems to be much more difficult for the parents to identify what activities and behaviors they approve of and encourage more of on a regular basis. It makes me question whether they have a teenager that is completely without merit (I haven’t met one yet), or they have simply neglected to search for the good in favor of finding fault.
Now, I am not suggesting that a parent should ignore misbehavior and hold fast to the idea that their child is perfect. I am suggesting that teens who receive your acceptance and approval are more likely to value your input when they make decisions. This constant need for acceptance is the same dynamic that drives teens to give such weight to their friends’ opinions. You can increase your level of influence by regularly pointing out things your teen does that you approve of. This can be as simple as being ready for school on time or putting the milk back in the fridge. It could also be a larger accomplishment like finding (and working) a Summer job or volunteer opportunity. The key here is consistency. The more your teen feels you accept and approve of them, the more their minds (and ears) will open up to what you say. Balance might be a good initial goal. Keep track of how many negative things you point out to your teen per day and try to match this number with positive statements about them. Eventually your positive statements will far outweigh the negative. I have seen this approach work wonders in curing the “in one ear out the other” syndrome so many parents struggle against. Your teen may not take every turn you suggest on their road to fulfillment, but getting them to listen to and value your input is certainly possible.
