Words are very unnecessary, they can only do harm.
– Depeche Mode
As a therapist you might think that a large part of my job is to help people improve the communication within their marriage and family. You would, of course, be correct. So when is communication actually the wrong approach? In what situation could words do harm? When the words are not what the other person wants or needs. Now, I don’t mean that you should hold back from speaking truth to someone that might not want to hear it, but in some situations listening is much more effective than helping.
Based on the fact I decided to make a career of helping people find solutions to problems it should come as no surprise that my default reaction to hearing a problem is to work out a way to solve it. However, I have learned from my own marriage and countless marital relationships I have helped over the years that just because someone wants to tell you about a concern they have doesn’t automatically mean they want your help in solving it. In fact, the opposite is often true. They may just want to be heard, know that you are on their side, and reassured that your love for them is a constant they can rely on regardless of what the world throws at them.
Let’s consider the following example of a couple’s conversation one evening after she has had a particularly rough day:
Jenna carried the weight of a recent argument with her mother, which had left her unsettled. That night, after putting the kids to bed, she confided in her husband, Mitch. He listened attentively, offering suggestions for resolving the issue and handling future conflicts better. Believing he had fulfilled his role as a caring husband, Mitch turned on the TV, but Jenna’s lingering distress caught him off guard. She appeared upset, even angry. Mitch defended his intentions, feeling she was unappreciative, leading to a heated argument between them.
This happened because Jenna didn’t seek Mitch’s help in resolving her issue. Instead, she wanted him to listen, take her side, and reassure her of his love. She felt fully capable of handling her relationship with her mother, and Mitch’s attempts to provide solutions may have come across as an insult. On the other hand, Mitch believed he was being supportive by offering practical advice and showing his love through his attentiveness. As the argument unfolds, they both stand firm in their positions, each believing they are right, leading to a stalemate. In reality, their intentions were rooted in love, but their different approaches and expectations caused the misunderstanding.
This is a scenario I have seen more times in my office than I can remember. The good news here is that we have two very positive behaviors already in place. Jenna is in the habit of sharing with Mitch, and Mitch does show he cares by listening to her concerns. The best way to improve the outcome of any discussion is to clarify the goal you have in mind before you begin. In this case Jenna could have stated that she wanted to share something with Mitch and really only wanted to be heard and reassured, but didn’t need help solving the problem. Also, if she didn’t state this directly it would be a good idea for him to ask whether she wants him to help or just to listen. Often times just listening without “helping” really is more helpful.
If you can recall a time or two that you have been in this type of argument with your spouse, don’t worry. You’re normal. More than that you are showing some healthy and loving qualities in your marriage by sharing with one another and caring enough to want to help solve your spouse’s problems. It may take a bit of getting used to, but sometimes putting away the tool box along with the urge to fix a problem really is the best way to show how much you care.
