Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
– Ambrose Bierce
Maybe Ambrose is a bit more cynical than most, but if you’ve been married any length of time you have no doubt discovered that love is not the only emotion that comes with marriage. As we are planning our wedding and walking down the aisle we are focused on how wonderful it will be to start our journey through life together. Maybe a few years to ourselves before contemplating children. Perhaps some travel the world or career build together before settling into a comfortable rhythm. What’s not to love about this well planned life?
Of course, sometimes things don’t go according to plan. Or, even worse, you get everything you wanted, but still feel bored, unfulfilled, and sometimes just plain unhappy. If this sounds familiar, don’t worry: you are normal. however, divorce is also normal so you may want to keep reading.
When I meet couples in my office for the first time they are usually very open about the list of issues that has brought them in for counseling. Even though they voice legitimate concerns about what causes them to feel hurt or angry, they rarely get down to the core of why they don’t feel loved without some gentle prodding. So what’s the number one answer I hear after we sift through all of the symptoms that cause the problem? People just don’t feel like their spouse is their partner, their teammate, the person they can count on for standing beside them through life’s challenges. Unfortunately, they are usually correct.
After reaching this conclusion you really only have three options available: 1. maintain the status quo of the unhappy marriage as long as possible, 2. divorce and begin the search for a new partner, or 3. fight for your marriage by working to make changes in yourself, and nudging your significant other to do the same.
If you’re leaning toward hanging in there “as is”, then counseling is a great short term solution to a long term problem. You will be able to vent to a professional who won’t gossip with the neighbors, but without the willingness to make changes you and your therapist will eventually run out of things to talk about.
If you feel divorce is the direction you prefer, then counseling may help you (and your children if you have them) through the transition, but regardless of what you find on the internet there is rarely such thing as an easy divorce. I have watched enough people go through it to know that even when it is the right and only solution it still hurts everyone involved, and often many other people on the periphery.
If you can’t stand the idea of another twenty, thirty, or many more years of the same situation, and divorce just isn’t in your vocabulary, then working with the right marriage therapist could change the entire trajectory of your relationship. This is probably the hardest of the three directions, but the reward is well worth the effort. If you go the route of fighting for your marriage the absolute worst possible outcome is that you get divorced without the regret of “what if” because you will know in your heart that you left no stone unturned. And, of course, there is the possibility that you will make the necessary improvements to have a strong partnership that will last a lifetime. Wasn’t that the goal in the beginning?
People can and do change every single day. More often than not people fall into patterns accidentally that they aren’t even aware of until it’s brought up in counseling. Without naming genders here I will say that many spouses focus most of their attention on their careers. They buy into the idea that providing for their family means earning money, and nothing else. Let me warn anyone on this path that a paycheck is much easier to replace than a partner. If you are earning money to provide for your family that is a good and honorable thing. Money is necessary. But if your contribution stops there I am willing to bet your spouse feels more like a colleague in the business of family management than your true partner in life.
King Solomon was purportedly the wisest man who ever lived. Thousands of years ago in his book of Proverbs he said something to the effect of a man choosing to live in a friend’s attic rather than staying with his quarrelsome wife. As with many Biblical references the gender is irrelevant. Most people, male or female would search for a way out of a marriage when fighting, bullying, verbal abuse, and micromanaging are daily disasters that require emotional recovery. The problem is that the healing is rarely complete before the next barrage of incoming attacks arrives. I have known many people who have moved out for a trial separation because they could no longer tolerate the tension in the home. I am certain not one of them felt like their spouse was on their team.
When things go sideways, deciding to work through the issues is the first step toward a solid marriage. A good second step would be to start reading. A couple of books any and every married couple should read are listed below. If you still have some sticking points that just never seem to go away you may want to consider counseling. It’s not a failure on anyone’s part to seek the advise of a marriage therapist. Rather it’s an act of love that shows how much you value your marriage, your spouse, and any children you currently have, or will have down the road. Don’t you and your spouse deserve to enjoy your life together?
Links to Books:
